How do I turn myself into a better version?

From the time we are born, many will be educated to be a version of
themselves that please others. Whether it comes from the way you were
raised or how you were taught in school, we often learn to put a mask on
and be an actor in our life.
Unfortunately, that behavior will not lead you to be happy and live a fulfilling
life. You can discover the best version of yourself and transform your life so
that you are no longer an actor in your life. Choose to live the life that was
made for you.

Then let’s start to explore your current life and see how much you are
currently your true self!

1: BEING YOURSELF

The best version of yourself is being true to yourself, but what does this
mean? It is sometimes easier to explain something by identifying what it
isn’t. That said, here’s a list of what is not being the best version of
yourself:

• Being true to yourself is not about pleasing others;
• Being true to yourself is not about hurting others;
• Being true to yourself is not about doing things you dislike;
• Being true to yourself is not about forcing yourself to do something;
• Being true to yourself is not about being hard on yourself;
• Being true to yourself is not about judging others and comparing
  yourself;
• Being true to yourself is not about being a victim of your
  surroundings;
• Being true to yourself is not about acting in a way that will attract
  more fans on social media.
  Being true to yourself means that you behave and communicate in
  complete integrity with your belief, values, and, most of all, with what feels
  right in your heart. When there is an alignment with your inner self
  (emotions, states, and desires) and outer self (behaviors, communication,
  and relationships), you are the best version of yourself.

The best version of yourself is being true to yourself, but what does this
mean? It is sometimes easier to explain something by identifying what it
isn’t. That said, here’s a list of what is not being the best version of
yourself:

2: PROJECTING YOURSELF

Some of the questions in the previous chapter might not make sense to
you. For example, we asked if you are “the type of person that will say ‘no’
to an offer to go out if you don’t feel like hanging out with that person.” If it
is hard for you to say “no” to others and instead of saying “no,” you use
“white lies,” which means that you are also able to tell yourself “white lies.”
Being dishonest is one of the most common mistakes we make in life that
keeps the best version of ourselves at bay.
It takes a long time to realize that the external world is a projection of what
is happening internally. Since the external world is a pure reflection of us, it
can give us a lot of information about ourselves when we take the time to
observe and be aware.
For example, if you hate your job, it could be a sign that you technically
don’t recognize your skills and abilities. That you are unable to clearly see
what you are capable of and therefore settle for jobs that you dislike. It’s
almost like you are creating your own misery.
Take a moment to list some of the things that you dislike in your
environment. That could be the way that your romantic partner treats you,
the way that your family makes you feel about yourself or your professional
life.

In the next chapter, we will look at things that make you reactive. Reactivity
is often another aspect that needs our awareness. When we learn our
triggers, we learn about our true selves and what needs to heal within to be
the best version of ourselves.

“You don’t see the world as it is, you see it according to who you are.”
Stephen Covey

3: LEARNING YOUR TRIGGERS

Are there some subjects that you avoid discussing with others because you
know you will be angry or frustrated? Do you sometimes find yourself easily
offended by others? Learning your triggers will help you to move from being
reactive to being at peace with what others think when it is different from
your opinion.
When we are triggered by something external to us, we tend to blame
others for what we are experiencing. Blaming others for our state of mind
and situation is living a victim mindset. The faster you can learn to stop
reacting to others; the faster your mindset will shift to be more in alignment
with your true self.
First, you have to accept that the only things you can change in this world
are your behavior, your mindset, and your communication style. As you
probably know by now, you have no control over other people’s behavior or
mind. Make a decision now that you will no longer blame your problems on
external factors.
Second, learn to be aware of your behavior and thoughts, especially when
you go in that space of blaming others or reacting to what they do or say.
Start by making a list of what you feel trigger you.
Some examples could be politics, injustice, self-centered people,
incompetence, etc. Try to be as specific as possible by using an example to
explain the trigger.

Being the best version of yourself means that you are taming the shadows
that have been following you, sometimes for years. It’s not always easy, but
when you face your dark side, you bring it to light and immediately allow
yourself to shine brighter than ever! It gives you the space to heal deep
wounds.

Taking responsibility for your own happiness starts by recognizing your
responsibility in your life and stop giving your powers to others. When you
blame others, you do not own your responsibility in your life. For example, if
you continuously blame external factors for the life that you live, you are
giving up your powers and will to others. You are allowing others to dictate
your behavior and mindset.
By doing so, you are entirely detaching yourself from yourself and merely
becoming a pion in life. If you want to be yourself, you have to take
ownership of your life. Start by being aware when you blame others for the
situation you are in and shift your mindset to solution finding and own the
solution that will get you out of a difficult situation. It’s time for you to take
back your powers and choose to live the life that you want! When you can
maintain a healthy mindset and break the bad habit of reacting to anything,
you become more at peace within and better apt to be your best self.
In the next chapter, we will explore your limiting beliefs and how you can
transform them to be more empowering. Those limiting beliefs are often
connected to deep wounds from the past that we carry with us for years.

“The feeling of being offended is a warning indicator that is showing you
where to look within yourself for unresolved issues.”
Bryant McGill

4: KNOCKING DOWN YOUR BARRIERS

There are plenty of reasons why a person would not want to be themselves
fully. According to the Physician and Psychiatrist Dr. John Pierrakos, there
are main experiences that create barriers to be our true selves. These
barriers are five wounds, were popularized by the famous French author,
Lise Bourbeau. Those wounds are abandonment, rejection, injustice,
humiliation, and betrayal.

Rejection
Rejection is a profound wound because the one who suffers from it feels
rejected in his being and especially in his right to exist. Therefore, it is
practically impossible to be yourself when you wear that wound. It is not
unusual for people who feel rejected to have a fleeing physique, that is to
say, a body or a part of the body that seems to want to disappear or
become very small. As if the receding person wanted to go unnoticed for
fear of being rejected.
In terms of behavior, they often doubt their right to exist. They seek solitude
because if they receive a lot of attention, they would be afraid of not
knowing what to do. They can be fleeing, which is why they prefer not to
get attached to material things because they would prevent them from
running away. They often wonder what they are doing on this planet and
finds it hard to believe that they could be happy here and bring something
to this world.
They don’t know what to do with themselves when they get too much
attention. In relationships with others, they are constantly finding ways to
seek love from the parent of the same sex and will reject themselves from a
person of the other sex, often feeling guilty when they face rejection. It is
not unusual for them to live in ambivalence; when they are accepted, they

won’t believe it and often create a self-sabotaging situation so that others
reject them. Their biggest fear is panic and anxiety because that often
arises in them when they are rejected.
Injustice
The wound related to injustice is intimately linked to the wound of rejection.
While rejection touches deeply the “being,” the wound of injustice touches
on having and doing. People who have that wound often has a body rigid,
and as perfect as possible. They have a well-proportioned body; Rigid
movements; Stiff neck; and very proud.
They are usually lively persons with dynamic movements, but who is rigid
and lacks flexibility. Often a perfectionist and envious. These persons tend
to cut themselves off from their feelings and often cross their arms. They try
to be perfect and justifies themselves a lot. They find it difficult to admit that
they have problems. They often doubt their choices. They like order and
tend to control themselves by demanding a lot from each other. They can
be angry and cold and has difficulty showing affection. They don’t want to
be late but will often be delayed because they take a long time to prepare.
It is often difficult for people with the injustice wound to accept
compliments, help, or gifts from others because they feel in debt toward the
person after. Their biggest fear is when others are cold toward them
because that awakens the unfairness but is also a reflection of their
shadow.

Humiliation
This wound is mostly related to the physical aspect of having and doing.
Most individuals with the humiliation wound have a larger and round body,
round face, with a broad and rounded neck.
They are often ashamed of themselves and others or afraid to shame
others. They think they are dirty or unclean. They don’t want to recognize
and assume their sensuality and their love of the pleasures associated with
the senses. That is why they often compensate and reward themselves
with food. And they gain weight quickly to give themselves a reason not to
enjoy their senses. They are also afraid of being “punished” if they enjoy
life too much. So, they ignore their freedom by putting the needs of others
before their own, so that they stop enjoying life.
Most individuals with the humiliation wound want to do everything for
others. In reality, they want to create constraints and obligations for
themselves to stop enjoying their freedom and life. This lack of enjoyment
reinforces the feeling of being abused and humiliated. And in the same
way, they tend to demean and humiliate others by making them feel that
they cannot do it alone without them. They are often inclined to blame
themselves for everything and even take the blame for others. Their
biggest fear is their freedom; they are afraid to lose the ability to be
themselves when humiliated by others.

Abandonment
The wound experienced in the case of abandonment is the second deepest
after that of rejection because they both affect the being at a profound
level.
Most people with the abandonment wound lack tonus. Their body is usually
long and slender with a back that becomes rounded and sagging. As if the
spine and muscles were not able to keep the body upright. Their body
seems to need help to hold on.
Those who suffer from abandonment do not feel emotionally nourished
enough. They need constant help and support. They think that they cannot
do anything on their own and regularly needs someone to support them.
They often have ups and downs: for a while, they are happy, and
everything is fine, and suddenly, they feel unhappy and sad. They tend to
dramatize a lot: the smallest little incident takes on gigantic proportions. In
a group, they like to talk about themselves and often brings everything back
to them.
Besides, they usually seek the opinion or approval of others before making
decisions. They can’t make up their mind, or they doubt their choice when
they don’t feel supported by someone else. And when they do something
for someone, they do it with the expectation of a return of affection. Their
problems give them the gift of attention, and this prevents them from being
abandoned. The more a person acts like a victim, the more his or her
abandonment wound increases. Their greatest fear is loneliness since it is
directly connected to that feeling of being abandoned.

Betrayal (or Treason)
The wound of betrayal is intimately related to the wound of abandonment).
While abandonment is about being, the wound of betrayal is about having
and doing.
Their body often exhibits strength and power. In men: shoulders wider than
the lower body. In women: lower body larger than the shoulders (pearshaped body). The higher the asymmetry between the upper and lower
body, the greater the betrayal wound.
Very uncompromising, they want to show others what they are capable of.
They often interrupt and respond before a person is finished. When things
don’t go fast enough to their liking, they become angry. They consider
themselves hard-working and responsible: they struggle with laziness.
They hate not being trusted and do not always keep their commitments and
promises or forces themselves to keep them. They tend to be impatient and
intolerant. They confide with difficulty and do not show their vulnerability.
People with a betrayal wound have great difficulty accepting the cowardice
of others. They also have trouble delegating tasks while trusting others.
Among the five wounds, the betrayal wounded is the one who has the most
expectations towards others because he likes to foresee and control
everything. Unlike abandonment wounded who has expectations of others
because they want to be loved and supported in their abandonment injury,
the expectations of the betrayal wounded are to check that others do what
they need to do well to verify if they can trust them.
They firmly state what they believe and expect others to agree with their
beliefs. They tend to state their point of view categorically and seeks to

convince others at all costs. They think that when someone understands
them, they agree with them, which unfortunately is not always the case.
Their biggest fears are disengagement, separation, dissociation, and
denial, which are often experienced in a situation of betrayal.
It is essential to know what your wounds are to identify your limits and what
obstacles stop you from being your true self. By being aware of your
behaviors and wounds, you are getting to know yourself better and also
understanding why you tend to behave in specific ways. Maybe one of your
wounds is betrayal, and you get very insecure in your relationship when
your partner doesn’t live up to your expectations, by knowing that about
yourself, you can learn to improve the relationship and how you react to
certain situations.
The first step to heal your wounds is to observe yourself when you feel hurt
(chapter 10 will help you with that). Then you can move on to accept that
you aren’t perfect, and it’s OK to recognize the hurt. Last is to admit your
fear and allow yourself to move through that fear by being vulnerable and
honest with yourself and others.

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t. You’re right.”
Henry Ford

5: CREATE BOUNDARIES

Boundaries are one of the most underused ways to be the best version of
yourself. You must learn to say “no.” Saying “no’ is probably one of the
hardest things you’ll ever have to do to ensure you are in integrity with
yourself.
Most people are not used to hear “no” or respect “no.” To learn to say “no,”
you have to explore how you react to people who say “no” to you. Once
you are open to others saying “no” to you, start practicing it yourself. Say
“no” when you don’t feel like doing something or when it doesn’t feel right
for you.
Another aspect of creating boundaries is how you behave in your friendship
circle. Be clear about individuals who are supportive and uplift you and stay
away from those who only bring you down, or feed drama. Surround
yourself with people who appreciate you for who you truly are. Now it the
perfect time to assess your friendships and set boundaries around those
who do not fulfill you.
Toxic relationships often feel a more deep-seated need to please others. If
you are experiencing a relationship with a person who is mean to you or
always makes you feel bad about yourself, knows that you are allowing
this. It is OK for you to say “no” to that type of relationship. It doesn’t have
to be a romantic relationship; it could be with a friend or a coworker.
To have healthy boundaries, you need to know what you value. If you value
compassion, but you turn around and start criticizing and gossiping with a
friend, you are not in integrity with yourself. Be clear about what you value

and then match the behaviors to those values. That way, it will be easier to
create boundaries and shift your behavior when it is not aligned with your
values and beliefs. Once you are clear with your values, seek them in
others, and surround yourself with people who have similar values to you.
Once you can recognize how you feel about the relationship you currently
have and are clear about your values, it will be much easier to assert
yourself. For example, if you are with a group of friends and one suggests
something you are uncomfortable about, you can assert yourself.
Express how you feel and why you don’t feel like participating in that idea.
The more you will assert yourself, the better you will feel about yourself.
Just be mindful that you are not judging or criticizing others when you
assert yourself. Position your thoughts in a way that it’s about what you feel
and what you don’t feel is aligned with your true self.
But most of all, stop trying to please others because it is one of the most
limiting behaviors you can have. When you please others, you completely
forget your true self and allow others to dictate how you should behave,
look, and even talk. This type of behavior is very destructive to the self, and
it is pretty much “acting” yourself. You become an actor and live the life that
others want you to live in.
Once you learn to let go of pleasing others, you start living your own life.
You no longer tailor your experience to the image of others but more to
what you want and who you are. By doing so, the people around you will
accept you for who you are, and if they don’t accept you, they are not
meant to be in your life

Creating boundaries means recognizing that sometimes you do things to
please others, and that has to stop if it makes you feel bad about yourself.
Pay attention to when you say “yes,” and deep down, you don’t feel like
doing something. Take the courage to stop trying to please others. For
example, if somebody asks you to do something for them and you don’t
feel it’s aligned with your needs, just say that it’s not a good time for you.
You can also say “no.”
Doing what you want doesn’t mean free for all; it means showing
compassion toward what lies in your heart and do things that bring you joy,
fulfillment, and drive. The more you will do things that bring you joy, the
less you will need boundaries; you will surround yourself with people who
appreciate you for who you are. You won’t need to say “no” because it will
be aligned with your true self.
Once you start setting boundaries, you will notice your life-changing, and
you will find yourself experiencing more positive moments. A life with
boundaries is the perfect environment to be yourself and live your best life.
If you want to be the best version of yourself, you need to learn to say no
and create boundaries. By distancing yourself from things that don’t align
with your authentic self, you are saying no to distraction and hindrance to
living your best life.
When you start respecting yourself, you put yourself as the priority. Many
people believe it is selfish; meanwhile, when it is done for the right reasons,
it serves a bigger purpose. It allows you to have the time, energy, and
wellness to be your best self around others.

It will enable you to be present for others and, in return, uplift them too.
When you find the courage to create healthy boundaries in your life, you
quickly are rewarded with joy, happiness, and a sense of being the best
version of yourself.

“Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn’t make me mean,
selfish, or uncaring (just) because I don’t do things your way. I care about
me too.
Christine Morgan